It was a commitment I was unaware of at the time...
The blog was never what I wanted it to be. I have three years of a lit degree in me... four really, but I lack the ability to finish something that I have no desire to be. I'm not cut out to teach. I will be a chef. One with the most well composed cookbooks editors have ever seen. I've paid for all my education myself. I've work since I was eight years old. I've been independent since i was 14. Lived on my own on and off since 16. My life is no longer what that blog depicted. It's not hanging with friends (although it is). It's not the same night had a different bars and clubs accross Ontario. Its not so casual. I have a plan for myself now. And I have the drive to make it happen.
Have you ever just stopped and looked at your surroundings? I mean, really looked beneath the surface? Have you ever then been so enthralled and disgusted at the same time that you actually attempt to wipe your eyes as if this misty film will come away with your fists?
I've lived in some form of daze for the better part of a month now and I've come to the realization that I need to do some prioritizing. I have been desperately trying to balance all of the parts of my life and living in some kind of vapid homeostasis. I've had enough of that so I am going to start a kind of experiment... I am beginning to suspect that I need to let all of these intensely "me" facets of my life just gel and see what kind of new thing arises. Maybe I've been trying too hard to maintain the me I was for these last 5 years, and in the process I've been killing off parts of the me that i was unconsciously evolving into...
It freaks me out that this may be the case. I hope I can deal with the consequences either way, if I am someone other than who I think I am, or if I am so mundane that I know everything there is to know about my self. I would so suck as a Buddhist.
Since I haven't had my computer as a direct link to all of these people in my life, I've rediscovered the phone, and conversations of meaning. It's a lot harder to act like someone your not if you are face-to-face with someone, or if you can hear their voice, it's tone and inflection, all of the parts of their psyche that they aren't even allowing to be spoken aloud (or typed in vain). I really need to just get my affairs in order and start fresh. I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm already at the bottom so I can just work my way back up.
Or at least, I hope I can.
3 comments:
That picture of the maid is the best mural on Earth.
i love banksy's work. the link is to the left of the page. he's got some amazing stuff. he did some work on th wall in gaza.
Oh you so can. I wouldn't even say you're at the bottom. You really seem to have a handle on the personal and spiritual growth spurt you're going through.
I believe you are well on your way to becoming 'The best Steve, Steve can be.'
That might sound a bit flaky but Kev and I say it all the time. 'I'm being the best Stacy, Stacy can be.' We really find it helps lead us in the right direction.
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