Who's the Boss?

HEY!
so, remember that secret and potentially awesome news I mentioned waaay back when?

WELL...

I'm the new General Manager of Dreams of Beans Ltd.

Its been so busy, but soo worthwhile!

sam sparro

The fish swam
Out of the ocean
And grew legs
And they started walking
And the apes climbed down
From the trees
And grew tall
And they started talking

And the stars
Fell out of the sky
And my tears
Rolled into the ocean
Now I'm looking
For a reason why
You even set my world
Into motion

'Cause if you're not
Really here
Then the stars
Don't even matter
Now I'm filled
To the top with fear
But it's all
Just a bunch of matter
'Cause if you're not
Really here
Then i don't want
To be either
I wanna be next to you
Black and gold
Black and gold
Black and gold

I looked up
Into the grey sky
And see a thousand eyes
Staring back
And all around
These golden beacons
I see nothing but black

I feel a way of something
Beyond them
I don't see
What I can feel
If vision
Is the only validation
Then most of my life
Isn't real

'Cause if you're not
Really here
Then the stars
Don't even matter
Now I'm filled
To the top with fear
But it's all
Just a bunch of matter
'Cause if you're not
Really here
Then I don't want
To be either
I wanna be next to you
Black and gold
Black and gold
Black and gold

he shoots, he scores!

today was so busy at the hotel.
atom hockey tournements fill the hotel to capacity.
and at the Holiday Inn... kids eat free!!
so I was very busy.
non-stop busy.
and can i tell you a secret?
i kinda liked it.

do you know what else i liked?
hearing things about myself through the grapevine.
i'm doing even better than i thought.

turn the page

2007 saw...
The beginning of "classy on the inside" with my 23rd birthday extravaganza.
It saw the Carleton Charity Ball weekend in Ottawa.
It saw me getting my fab apartment, the first time I've truly lived on my own.
It saw new friends becoming a significant part of my life.
It saw me quitting my job of seven years.
It saw me happy at work with my new job, in my line of interest.
It saw debt reduction.
It saw honesty and openness for the first time in as long time.
It saw the multi colours, the Jew-fro, crew cut, Mohawk and beard.
It saw contacts and a drop of 60lbs.

2008 will see...
The resolve to drop another 40lbs.
The further drop in debt.
My return to school.
Travel, for the first time in my life.
More honesty, more friends, more freedom.
The resolve to cook more, if that's even possible.
The resolve to keep a visual record of my life.
A clean house. Literal and Figurative.

My heartfelt best to all of you in the new year!!

3rd person edict

i don't like fighting with friends.
especially when they make it difficult to move on.

i would rather remove myself from the situation than add to any tension.

and apparently, that is the problem.

...i'll work on it. my fault. as always.

you have no idea

I'm still alive.
But oh so tired...

What Constitutes a Confidence?

What constitutes a confidence?

If you tell someone expressly not to tell anyone else, but they tell a mutual friend, is that a breach of confidence? Even if the other person, the mutual friend is non-judgemental and understanding? I got a text message today from my younger brother reading, “U not wrkn? That’s the word on the stret.”

The only way he would have found this out is through my older brother, who I hung out with on Monday. I hadn’t seen my older brother in over a year. He’s been in prison for drug related charges. He’s out for a week, doing things to make amends, and asks how work had been. So I told him, I was unhappy, and had quit the Friday prior. “Don’t tell anyone until I get this sorted out,” I told him. I’m fiercely independent and have a strong will, I am in charge of my life, and rely on no one to succeed. Yet, there is a shame I feel being unemployed. And to share this shame with the world at large is in a sense, an admittance of failure.

Am I angry at having a not-so sercret shared with someone I’d rather it not be heard by? Or should I just accept it as my older brother trying to re-instate himself into the family, using whatever he has as conversation or as a token of his own esteem of himself. A sort of, “This was shared with me in confidence so I must be worthy of it, see!” attitude. Something he has always done when in some sort of bind. If he ever feels judged or trapped, he starts trying to shift focus, twisting peoples words and opinions to suit his intent. A talent learned from our mother, which leads to many more conversations yet to be written.

I have filled out well over 20 applications in the last 2 weeks, and put out upwards of 50 resumes. I have applied online for 10 positions. I am not just sitting idly by as opportunities pass me by. I am actively searching for jobs, applying at places that I would normally consider beneath me, because I am aware that I have bills to pay and responsibilities to uphold. I quit my job because it was not a healthy environment for me to be in. It reduced me to a level of depression and, with a melodramatic flair I must say a despair that I had proudly left behind on some unmarked day between 8 and 6 years ago.

As the tangents of my past untangle in this weakened, 10th grade stream-of-consciousness, I must remind myself that people make mistakes and I am only human. He is only human. And the single redeeming quality in any individual is their humanity. A touch of dignity is the class in any situation. Catharsis is found in the trying. In making the attempt to understand...