the good kind...

I'm exhausted.

But it's he good kind.

I love m new job, but man, its definitely fast-paced and strenuous. I've been soo tired that I haven't been keeping this baby up to date. I'm off for two days mid-week. So look for that.

Peace

The Wings of Butteflies

Balloon Girl: There is Always Hope

while you were out,

Hey Everybody,
Orientation went well yesterday. A lot of the staff are my age, which is a change. Normally, I am the young guy working the day shifts with he 40-50 year olds.
I get free meals, and a free gym membership.
This is awesome.
I start my first real shift at 2pm today. Woo!
As well, I had an interview today for a second PT job.
This as well, went well.
I'm basicaly hired, except for the formalities.
See you on my day off.
Love,
Steve

Welcome Wagon

These last several weeks I have taken to the cafe's of Peterborough with an interest I usually reserve for books and comfy chairs of warm breezes. I am by far one of the staunchest supporters of this city. It's got big city appeal and small town charm. We've grown slowly and steadily without the aid of major highways or factory employment. In April I moved into the heart of downtown Peterborough and haven't looked back since.
Personally, I live on Hunter St. West, though the specification of East vs. West isn't necessitated by the length of the street so much as the historical Hunter Street bridge, towering over the Ottonabee River. This neighbourhood and part of downtown has recently been revived as the gourmet and bohemian district of Peterborough, fed by the eclectic stores as much as the youthful presences of both Trent University students and Sir Sanford Fleming College students. When Eaton's suffered and left the downtown core, the historical downtown suffered as urban sprawl and strip mall society threatened to overtake the city.
But I lucked out with a small bachelor apartment on Hunter. By block alone is an eclectic array of establishments and anti-establishments. From gourmet thin-crust wood-oven pizza at 'The Night Kitchen" to a Import bead Boutique. Karma's Cafe for Mongolian or Tibetan food to a Graphic Design Firm. There is a traditional Jerk Shack (Island Cream), and several gourmet restaurants (Gertis', Cervantes’s, Parkhill on Hunter, La Hacienda, and Taste of Europe). We have alternative pubs (The Rusty Snail, and the only) as well as Clancy's and The Red Dog, 2 of the oldest traditional pubs in the region.
There are still more cool places, all within a 2 minute stroll to the left or right of my front door! There' s The Gordon Best Theatre, Black Honey and there amazing organic fresh deserts and pastries, a lawyers office, 2 banks, and an independent toy store. I'm still leaving out the boutique spa, yoga studio, catering company, the barbershop I live above, the African specialty salon, holistic perfumery and the appliance store, satellite radio outlet, convenience store and a Running-Club. I'm really amazing just tallying it all up. This is Hunter St. between George and Aylmer Sts. There are a few I have forgotten and there is actually 2 storefronts that are closed because the landlords are renovating them while they are up for lease. Don't even get me started on what you can find within a 2 block radius of me! Needless to say, I love my apartment and I love my neighbourhood.
This random tangent aside, I was talking about cafe's. I get my organic tea or juice fix and 6 establishments within a block of my apartment. None of which are a Timmy's or a Starbucks. There is the emo/indie youth oriented cafe "The Spill", general public place "Haasleton's", gourmet roasting house "Dreams of Beans" where the fabled Desiree works. Plus catering company and cafe "A Moveable Feast", the afore mentioned "Black Honey" across the street from me, and the newly opened "Natas" where my friends Dahn and Meagh prepare quality, high-end espresso. There are more places, but for me, to be a true cafe destination you have to have an espresso machine and offer more than 4 kinds of tea. Otherwise you don't qualify. Sorry, in some ways even I am prejudice.
When the farmer's market is downtown, Dreams is roasting, and the Quaker plant is doing there thing, downtown Peterborough smells like Sunday breakfast as the church bells ring out each service from all corners of the oldest parts of town. I can hardly explain to you the joys I feel sitting in a cafe, reading the paper, writing in my moleskine, or here on my laptop as people come and go around me. So many walks of life, variances in ages, but everyone has there story, and sometimes I get pulled in...
Okay, I am now resigning myself to the fact that this post is descending into incoherency. Sometimes I just get so amped up about my town, my friends, and my life that I can’t quite articulate the way that I feel. I think that what I’m basically trying to convey is that, if you haven’t already figured out, I am a social being. I thrive on stimuli. From growing up in the established, old suburban neighbourhoods or this city, to moving to the country 20mins outside of it, to living in the pre-war south-end and back to the north-end of town, I have finally found my place. It’s here, where the action is. I have a fantastic apartment in a fantastic area. There are countless shows to go to, parks to play in, stores to explore and galleries to browse. I live in a neighbourhood that is my age, that shares my values, and that is constantly challenging me to challenge it. What more can I ask for?

(**Photo: by Desiree Fawn**)

Spooky...

Last night was awesome!
We all wen't out for dinner to celebrate my new job, and therefore I didn't have to pay for anything. Which makes Steve a very happy camper. I don't accept charity very easily, but this was to celebrate me, and as they all pointed out, I have been the "Official Round Purchaser" for well over thre years, being the highest paid, and only ful-time working memeber of our crew for a very long time. I know what it's like to be a starving student, so I appreciate their gestures.
So, Steph and Jake, Deanna and Aaron, Christina and Darren, and Jen and myself went out for dinner. No one else had met Darren yet, so I played it up for them. They didn't know that I was the crazy matchmaker in this situation, so I just let them have it. Goodtimes. I promise.

Then we all drove out to Cold Springs, near Port Hope to go to Phantom Farm. I mean, who doesn't love a haunted hayride or a spooky barn/maze thing. I totally had forgotten how easily Jen and Steph scare! Jen almost ripped my arm off. Its what she gets for making me go first! I totally wa conspiring with some of the ghouls towards the end. I'd walk in grinning, pointing behind me, then Jen would get 2 or 3 people popping out of bathtubs, cribs, or closets! Man, I'm such a jerk sometmes. HaHaHa!

So, I guess all in all, this self-imposed social exile I was in is steadily melting away. I've spent more time with the varying groups of friends than I have in a really long time. And these groups are even starting to melt together. Something I couldnt be happier with.

OH! And, as a footnote here, I promised Desiree that I would thank her for the drink and muffin! Having friends working at every decent cafe in town makes for not only excellent weekends and mornings but is quite easy on the pocketbook too!

with the right tools...

First off, I got the kitchen job. I'm really excited to get my feet wet in the industry that I plan on working in, in some capacity, for the rest of my life. I must be a really good interview, because Terry, the GM, came into the office as I was filling out the paperwork to congratulate me. He said something along the lines of,

"It's a good thing you accepted the job. We're beyond excited to have you on the team."
I naturally asked why it was such a good thing. Apparently I had the highest scoring interview for kitchen staff they'd ever had since he took over 6 years ago. And... I am the least qualified. They have Red-Seal Certified Chefs that don't score as well as I did. They have people who have worked in catering, industrial kitchens, and high-end restaurants that didn't do as well in interviews as I had.

YAY ME! I ROCK!!

(I was so trying to "find the light" as Tyra would say on ANTM)

And as or the fun I alluded to yesterday, my friend Desiree is an amazing photographer, and has recently purchased a new camera. A Canon 30D which is necessary to the photography program she's entering once she graduates this April/May from Trent. So what is one to do with a camera that costs 4 months of my rent? Have an impromptu photo shoot!! Elena and I were easily happy to oblige, and wasted 2 or 3 hours in the sunshine and parks and schoolyards, pretending to be models.

(Family of Choice)


(Me and the Gorgeous Photog!)
(The Sunshine on Any of my Cloudiest Days)

(I danced on a fire-hydrant for that smile) (tiny unexpected gestures often mean the most)

(With the Right Tools, Even I can be a Photographer!)

Then, to celebrate her new hair-colour/cut, I coerced Des into buying 2 sweaters which were neither Black nor Brown or Grey! My powers are infallible. Then to Hot Belly Mama's for some Blackened Catfish Poh'Boys, Roasted Corn Soup, and Sweet Potato Frites.

(Don't She Look Cajun Crawfish Good?)

So I guess the good news came with good friends and good times.
This must be that karma people keep talking about...

falling into the right places.

So, I really wanted to post about Oktoberfest chronologically, but no pictures have surfaced because we've all been thrown viciously back into the workforce. Three day weekends are sometimes hard to recover from. I've written the whole piece in my moleskine that way one the pictures are available, we can travel back together to that simpler time.

But, the main reason I'm here is that so much has happened in the last two days. The biggest being that I got a job. At Chapters/Starbucks. This makes me very happy because not only is it income, but it is a place where I often go to escape, and if your work was full of literature, glossy magazines, and the smell of roasted coffee and baking, i think you'd be a tad happy too. Not to mention a sweet employee discount. The second exciting development would be equally engaging.
An hour before I heard from Starbucks, I had an interview at the Holiday Inn Waterfront here in Peterborough. I was the first interview of the day, and needless to say I rocked it. It was for an entry-level cook position, the pay is great, compared to all the minimum-wage stuff I'd been wading through recently, and through the course of the interview, the HR woman referred to the call as being "Karma". I'd worked shitty jobs, set my life in order, made concrete decisions about me becoming a chef, quit my job, and this fell in my lap. She told me I could expect a call by Thursday of this week. I got the call in two hours. My second interview with the Hospitality Manager and Executive Head Chef was today at 2:00 and to blush bashfully, I ACED it! They called before I'd even got home to set up the third and final interview for tomorrow morning at 10:30. I am beyond psyched. Jay Bolton, the Executive Chef seems like a really great guy and is actually waaay younger than I thought. He's maybe mid-thirties, and seems really eager to teach, as well as learn. He was BEYOND impressed with my 7 years of experience as a butcher. My wit was on fire, and my attitude was in check. I sold myself hard, but didn't oversell one bit. he told me he wanted to hire me, I was the best candidate he'd seen in months, complimented my ability to dress to impress (Dark, straight denim jeans, Yellow oxford with pale blue and khaki pinstripes, and a khaki slim-fit blazer), and actually said that he wanted me hired, and was putting a rush on the paperwork to get my third and final interview. So that is the way things are shaping up for me professionally. I'm pretty excited by the prospect of being employed by Monday.

Now comes the real fun stuff! Not only did I clean my apartment, something which brings me endless satisfaction, but I purged some useless junk, and re-arranged some furniture. Why not have a fresh start? Then, there is the matter of the fun I had yesterday...

...which will be added to a later post. I feel the need to keep you all in suspense. Hints would include the words photo and shoot.

just for fun, as I was browsing my photo folders, i found this old pic from last august (27lbs heavier ago)when I was actually having fun:

The right decision.

So, the trip to Kitchener/Waterloo seems like the right thing.
Not only have I missed hanging out with these people...
(at the end of three years of co-habitation they'd been on my nerves a bit),
but I missed Hap's parents,
the feeling of home,
and just the sheer exhiliration at being out of my element.
Last night was Heidelburg Haus.
This morning was St. Jacobs outdoor market.
Then to more German social clubs tonight, a baptism and Amish Breakfast tomorrow.
Pictures to follow.
Thanks for keeping pace.

Leiderhosen

I think I may be off to Waterloo this weekend.
Oktoberfest?
I've been getting the guilt trip 3 ways.
Brad X Jen & Corey X Happy
And I'm the Jew. No one does a guilt trip like I do.

Old roommates, Beer, and a change of scenery.
Sounds appetizing...

We'll see, decisions must be made within half an hour.
I might roll out in 45 mins.

I came to the realization that my old blog was almost 3 when it died. Went away to the farm? When I outgrew its friendship?

It was a commitment I was unaware of at the time...

The blog was never what I wanted it to be. I have three years of a lit degree in me... four really, but I lack the ability to finish something that I have no desire to be. I'm not cut out to teach. I will be a chef. One with the most well composed cookbooks editors have ever seen. I've paid for all my education myself. I've work since I was eight years old. I've been independent since i was 14. Lived on my own on and off since 16. My life is no longer what that blog depicted. It's not hanging with friends (although it is). It's not the same night had a different bars and clubs accross Ontario. Its not so casual. I have a plan for myself now. And I have the drive to make it happen.


Have you ever just stopped and looked at your surroundings? I mean, really looked beneath the surface? Have you ever then been so enthralled and disgusted at the same time that you actually attempt to wipe your eyes as if this misty film will come away with your fists?
I've lived in some form of daze for the better part of a month now and I've come to the realization that I need to do some prioritizing. I have been desperately trying to balance all of the parts of my life and living in some kind of vapid homeostasis. I've had enough of that so I am going to start a kind of experiment... I am beginning to suspect that I need to let all of these intensely "me" facets of my life just gel and see what kind of new thing arises. Maybe I've been trying too hard to maintain the me I was for these last 5 years, and in the process I've been killing off parts of the me that i was unconsciously evolving into...
It freaks me out that this may be the case. I hope I can deal with the consequences either way, if I am someone other than who I think I am, or if I am so mundane that I know everything there is to know about my self. I would so suck as a Buddhist.
Since I haven't had my computer as a direct link to all of these people in my life, I've rediscovered the phone, and conversations of meaning. It's a lot harder to act like someone your not if you are face-to-face with someone, or if you can hear their voice, it's tone and inflection, all of the parts of their psyche that they aren't even allowing to be spoken aloud (or typed in vain). I really need to just get my affairs in order and start fresh. I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm already at the bottom so I can just work my way back up.
Or at least, I hope I can.

Letter to the vast cyberspace

Dear internets,

So, had a job interview at starbucks today.

it went well, i think/hope.

But wow, how is it that my main competition is a 10th grade catholic schoolgirl?
Is it wrong that know how much better i am than she is, and how that makes me feel about a job in a coffee shop? I want the job. HARD. but... this is what i'm being compared to?

FTW?

Anyways, on another note, does anyone know how to set up a feed of this blog to the lj-land? i want to make it convienient for everyone to get updates of this new blog. Its mor than i have the capabilities to do.

And so, its with a hopeful heart that I go back to my iced tea and the comfort of my little Internet Cafe. Research will give me success.

Until I blog again,

Steve

Give. Thanks.

Let's start with a Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends and foes here in Canada.

And Then, I'll follow that up with an awkward Happy Columbus Day to our friends to the south.

Something strange happened yesterday at my mom's house:

My family did thanksgiving without stress, without argument and without incident. Except that I forgot along the way to make stuffing. My turkey fell apart (good sign), the gravy was lumpless and from scratch. The veg roasted to a golden tang and the turnips and potatoes were mashed to the perfect consistency. The rolls were flaky, as was the crust on each of the 6 pies. Wine flowed, but not to excess and conversation was honest, and engaging. I found myself having a rare moment of appreciation for my family. We shared coffee and cool breezes in the solarium as the dogs took the scraps of meat from my nieces with a thoughtful and gentle appreciation.

First my sister's wedding in August, now this? I'm really very thankful for them, I've let go any actual resentment and anger a long while back, but if this continues to Christmas, I may have to even ease up on the jokes. We went through a lot, my family, but we've never banned together in any way other than in silence before.

I love and respect everyone in my family, but never have I seen eye to eye with them. Until this last year, that is. And I'm extremely thankful for it. Its something I missed out on for a long time, and with each passing week, we find middle ground to meet on.

How was your holidays?

"Iran So Far"

I tried to add this Sunday Morning, but unauthorized clips kept getting removed from YouTube. Enjoy. I know I did. Rarely does TV make me laugh out loud.

moleskine

I have a moleskine notebook that goes with me everywhere. Or thereabouts. It gets the doodles, the lists, the random regurgitation of other peoples thought and opinions as viewed through my experiences. I was re-reading my most recent journal, and came across an entry I had completely forgotten. I think part of this blog will me remembrances like this. I had a dream several weeks ago that disturbed me. Made me sad to wake, but terrified me during it. It haunted me for days, but I had completely forgotten it until I came across it:

Sept 15th,
I had a dream a few nights ago. Still so vivid.
An angry holiday dinner.
I was supposed to make pumpkin pie, but I don't bake. I do the turkey, the gravy, the ham and any number of glazes. That is my role. I am the chef, but I do not bake.
Everyone is yelling at me.
They didn't care.
In the dream I am thinking, "I wish my dad was here." Which is weird. For starters, I never wished him to be anywhere. And he never did well in large, loud, family events. Not after he had quit drinking. But in some childish way, I wished my dad was there.
And then, in the kitchen, he was there.
They didn't care.
He was/ He is dead. Without words, we both knew he was only here/there to create this impossible pumpkin pie. And it was perfect. I don't like pumpkin pie. Apple is my thing. But out of tart shells, gravy and stuffing, my dad made the perfect pumpkin pie.
But he still wouldn't talk to me. I was crying. Sobbing silently in the kitchen during a thanksgiving meal. Something I usually did in the privacy of the basement bathroom. Something neither of my parents have seen me do since childhood. Something I have not done publicly since he died over seven years ago.
And they still didn't care.
I told him not to leave. By now, aware that this was a dream. Aware that time was running out. In the dream I knew it was only a matter of moments until my alarm clock would go off and ruin this. Wakefulness would ruin this horrible family meal that let me see, let me hear and smell my dad in ways I could never do with expressed effort when in need of comfort.
Then I woke up.
And forgot this dream for two days.
I remembered at Starbucks, a place I rarely go. And never know what to get, as I don't even like coffee. But I got a pumpkin spice latte. It tasted disgusting.
I didn't care.

This dream is weird. Not just for its content, its apparent meaning (and my lack of faith in the interpretation of dreams) but for the plain and simple fact that I do not dream. I just don't have dreams. I mean, I do have dreams, but very rarely. Maybe I will dream two or three times a year. If that.

But whenever I do dream, they are usually one of three or four recurring dreams. One, I am on a picnic in Burnham Park, and me and a faceless girl are chased by a gnome to a house where we reach safety and i wake up. Another, I am at a pool. Happy. Then I realize that I have no idea who owns the house I am at, or how I am supposed to go home. Embarrassment and dread fill me. I wake up. And all my dreams are semi-conscious. Because they are all recurring dreams, it only takes a few minutes for me to recognise the familiarity and to attempt to influence the outcome. Which makes it very fun when I have a sex dream. But that is a very rare happening. I can honestly say that I have only had three erotic dreams in my whole life. And they were all random variations on a theme.

This dream is new. It is the first New dream of my adult life. It scares me. But I want to have it again. And I am impatient to wait another four to eight months for the off chance it will be back in time for Easter.

What Constitutes a Confidence?

What constitutes a confidence?

If you tell someone expressly not to tell anyone else, but they tell a mutual friend, is that a breach of confidence? Even if the other person, the mutual friend is non-judgemental and understanding? I got a text message today from my younger brother reading, “U not wrkn? That’s the word on the stret.”

The only way he would have found this out is through my older brother, who I hung out with on Monday. I hadn’t seen my older brother in over a year. He’s been in prison for drug related charges. He’s out for a week, doing things to make amends, and asks how work had been. So I told him, I was unhappy, and had quit the Friday prior. “Don’t tell anyone until I get this sorted out,” I told him. I’m fiercely independent and have a strong will, I am in charge of my life, and rely on no one to succeed. Yet, there is a shame I feel being unemployed. And to share this shame with the world at large is in a sense, an admittance of failure.

Am I angry at having a not-so sercret shared with someone I’d rather it not be heard by? Or should I just accept it as my older brother trying to re-instate himself into the family, using whatever he has as conversation or as a token of his own esteem of himself. A sort of, “This was shared with me in confidence so I must be worthy of it, see!” attitude. Something he has always done when in some sort of bind. If he ever feels judged or trapped, he starts trying to shift focus, twisting peoples words and opinions to suit his intent. A talent learned from our mother, which leads to many more conversations yet to be written.

I have filled out well over 20 applications in the last 2 weeks, and put out upwards of 50 resumes. I have applied online for 10 positions. I am not just sitting idly by as opportunities pass me by. I am actively searching for jobs, applying at places that I would normally consider beneath me, because I am aware that I have bills to pay and responsibilities to uphold. I quit my job because it was not a healthy environment for me to be in. It reduced me to a level of depression and, with a melodramatic flair I must say a despair that I had proudly left behind on some unmarked day between 8 and 6 years ago.

As the tangents of my past untangle in this weakened, 10th grade stream-of-consciousness, I must remind myself that people make mistakes and I am only human. He is only human. And the single redeeming quality in any individual is their humanity. A touch of dignity is the class in any situation. Catharsis is found in the trying. In making the attempt to understand...

arise from ashes

So, in the spirit of overhaul, I have began here.
Life has been listless as of late, and I am the only person with the power to change.
This blog will be a forum for my life to be displayed.
My choices critiqued.
And to exorcise the demons of the past and present.
Welcome to those who wander in, and hello again to anyone who has followed me here.